Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
