so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
