I must be too annoying 4 u.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
