I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
