Four minutes until I can fart!
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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