At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
