party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
