I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
