Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN