dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
