Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
People with herpes should wear stickers.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
