of course. lets lasso hookers.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
