Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
