I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
