Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
