Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
