I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
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You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
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You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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