we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
