so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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