I think my fart just growled at me.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
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