I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
