I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize
