Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
pray to the hookup gods
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
