i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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