please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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