trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
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SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
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Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
my poor anus
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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