im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
