Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
