Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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