just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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