Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
