first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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