Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The best revenge is premature balding
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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