Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
