I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Reggie can tackle my bush.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
