You don't have asthma, your pregnant
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
