Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
