theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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