My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
