I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
