yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
