WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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