i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
