at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
