well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
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well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
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And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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