So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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