he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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