i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
