it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
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Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
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Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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