last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
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