i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
