He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
