We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
