I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
