I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
