how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
